Oh, there’s that feeling again! I have my entire life struggled with self confidence and one defense mechanism I’ve used to overcome it is to pretend that I am confident. I figure if I pretend long enough I may actually convince myself. However, one way Satan can destroy my role playing of the confident woman is to send someone into my life that has in the past made me feel less than them. Oh, how I wish I could tell you that I am so close the cross as a child of the King that there is nothing that can penetrate my worthiness; but I cannot. And the second part of that feeling of unworthiness is my tendency to un-forgive people. Possibly my role playing is not limited to a pretender of confidence but I can also add to my portfolio of talents “Pretend Forgiver.” The quote “out of sight, out of mind” may be a more accurate description than forgiveness, I’m just being real; surely I am not alone?
As the Jesus Chick I have put myself in the center of a bulls-eye and made myself target practice for hypocritical knot heads that have made comments to me such as “Well I’m a Christian, but your constant talk of Jesus offends me,” Really? Or those who wait for me to show my imperfect human side and scoff, “Yeah, she’s the Jesus Chick.” Or friends who cut me and walk away as if I were but a loaf of bread. And that’s just this week. It was a full blown attack of the demon of strife. It was ugly! I fancy myself a “soul stirrer” when I speak. I love to stir the hearts up of the people I speak to and create in them a desire to serve God in a bolder way. I listen to encouraging speakers and preachers, and read blogs by encouraging people as a way to keep my mind focused on godly things; and then my godliness goes out the window when a person from my past enters into my mind, or better yet, I sit across from them at a table, and every demon I’ve faced before seems to be lined up behind them staring at me face to face and waiting to get their blow. Oh jeepers, is anyone else out there who knows what I mean?
Satan gets one foot in the door and the next thing you know he’s sitting on your couch telling you how pathetic you are and reminding you of how so and so made you feel and then strife ignites. Proverbs 26:21says “As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man to kindle strife.” But 2 Timothy 2:24 says ~ And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient. Argg… Does that mean I have to keep my mouth shut, because I’m not very good at that? Yes it does.
So rather than getting on Facebook and telling the world how I felt, or calling up my friends and getting them to jump on my band wagon with me, I sat on the couch. Me and Satan, like we were “besties.” And he pummeled me with thoughts of inferiority. And then I said enough:
• That contentious person…forgiven.
• That door… closed.
• That feeling… squelched.
Am I pretending? No. I can’t allow myself to pretend. As a child of God, as a leader in and out of the church I have to follow Timothy’s advice. Be gentle. Teach. Be Patient. Dampen the fires Satan ignites.
Hebrews 11:33-34 ~ Who through faith subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions. Quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight, turned to flight the armies of the aliens.
God has so much goodness in store for us and if we are to obtain His promise there are some battles that we will have to win by refusing to fight.