Yesterday was the straw that broke the camels back. Another day of brain fog and frustration had created a fearfulness in my soul that had left me drained. Not a fear of something happening, but rather, something not happening. A fear of being ineffective in life. My heart was broken. I knew I was under attack but felt helpless in fighting it. I can usually write my way out of those kind of days, but lately, even writing hasn’t came easy. I’ve had writers block before, and this wasn’t it. This was an inability to compose thoughts. Trying to speak them was even a more daunting task. It perhaps can be attributed to a “fibro fog” which 80% of fibromyalgia patients suffer from to varying degrees. My degree yesterday was at full throttle. By days end I was in tears. And to top it all off, I had lost a day. My 41st Wedding anniversary. I thought yesterday was August 15, it was not! A fact I discovered when my husband came home from work and ask why I hadn’t mentioned our anniversary on social media. Okay… now add feeling like a dirt dog to the brain fog, and I’m an utter mess.
Welcome to my world. And when I say “my world,” that’s exactly what I mean. I don’t share it with anyone. God only knows because He’s God. Not because I tell Him.
Holey, Holy, Whole
According to spell check, “holey” is not a word. And yet, I’ve said it for years. According to “Grammar check” it is indeed a word and spell check doesn’t know what it’s talking about. Whether or not the red line ever disappears from my type written page is irrelevant to me. Holey is exactly how I feel. There are missing pieces of my mind. I feel holey, not holy. And add to that mix, my iPad keyboard is randomly not typing vowels, a very necessary part of words. 😂 If only I could type in emojis my morning would look something like this. 😔🥱😖🥺😩🤔😶🌫️😏.
I’ve set out this morning to find the missing pieces in my armor.
Ephesians 6:10-20 KJVS
[10] Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. [11] Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. [12] For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
There is an unseen realm where Satan and his minions gather together to plot evil against God’s children. Or perhaps Satan just lets them go Willy Nilly all over the world creating chaos. But today they are in Calhoun County, West Virginia. Scripture says that God is not the author of confusion, therefore it is left to Satan. If he cannot fill my mind with wicked thoughts he will fill it with gaps that cause questioning. Yesterday I would start a thought and then my mind would see something shiny and off I’d go on a random hunt, only to return to my thought which now had lost sight of it’s destination. This morning is not much better. But I’m trying to stay focused on God’s word. I’m trying, but I’m wrestling.
[13] Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. [14] Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
Guard Your Heart and Gird Your Loins!
My heart is a physically weakened vessel. I venture to say that we’ve all got weak “spots” in our bodies, and those are marked for attack. Other than the obvious physical ways that my heart is under attack, it is the truth that causes the greatest pain and distraction. The truth really does hurt. The truth that our government is corrupt and there’s little I can do about it bothers me. The truth that the youth in my ministry has the world bombarding their minds with hogwash for which I repeatedly have to convince them are lies, is disheartening. The truth that people hurt other people without remorse and justify it in the name of Jesus, makes me sick. The truth that Christian people have convinced themselves that they don’t need to be in church to have a good relationship with God, makes me sad. These are daily attacks on my mind as Satan try’s to convince me he’s winning this war. I’ve needed a deeper focus on the word. Do you?
Guide Your Feet
[15] And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
The only way we can be assured that we’re going in the right direction is to prepare each day by studying the battle plan. I’m in awe every time I read the word of God and see current event application laid out as if it was written yesterday. My problem is I’ve been skimming the word, not delving into the deep of it which is necessary to make it through these troubled times. My frustration with life has taken it’s tole on my own commitment. You want to know how that’s working for me? It’s not. Not spending enough time in God’s word is like taking a trip without a map and ending up on a cow path in a front wheel drive Kia Soul. My little Soul Seeker has about as much chance in navigating that path as I do in figuring out what God wants me to do any given day.
Grab the Shield!
[16] Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
I took my two youngest grand babies to their elementary school open house last night where they made a paper bag shield. (It was actually a poncho, but not for two imaginative boys.) They wore that shield like it would have prevented a bullet from penetrating their hide. Oh I love kids! Some days I think I have paper bag faith and some days I have Kevlar faith. The only difference is a foundation in God’s word. That is the theme for the day with me, sure up the gaps Shari. Study to show thyself approved, rightly diving the word of truth! The more we study, the greater coverage we have from those fiery darts.
[17] And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
Those holes in my mind occurred because gaps in my reading and studying occurred, as well as gaps in my prayer life. That is why I believe I’ve had issuance with utterance and the ability to speak boldly. It’s hard to speak bold, when you’re walking in uncertainty.
[18] Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; [19] And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel, [20] For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.
Today has been a good study. But not nearly enough. I hope this study helped you today, and I pray that you and I both will find ourselves deep in the trenches of God’s word throughout this day. Glory!