I remember my early years in Calhoun County, at the tender age of 9ish, of God speaking to my heart. I remember hearing the word Armageddon, and the Bible warnings of wars to come and feeling a deep fear in my heart. I knew only enough to be fearful; but the fear faded and I went on with my little girl thoughts and ways. I remember that fear coming back off and on through my pre-salvation life. I remember playing church as a young adult and having no understanding whatsoever about who God was or who I was. I didn’t understand why (at the time) I had such struggles and heartache in my life. I was never told I was lost, I was never told I was saved, not so much as I could remember. Not in those terms. But I knew I wasn’t right with God.
Scroll forward through a few decades to 1996 when I had my first God encounter as an adult. I sat in the back row of a new church, listening to the gospel for what felt like the very first time in my life, although it wasn’t. It was just the first time that I actually heard and received the Word into the depth of that little girl heart. I was in awe. Week after week I wept, I worshipped and wondered why that experience had never come before? I felt the power of God working in me and through me and suddenly I became somebody.
That sounds arrogant right?
I wasn’t anybody in the world, but I was somebody in the Kingdom. God placed people in my life who literally spoon fed me the gospel until I could take it with a fork. And then with a knife and fork, cutting the meat of the word apart and discerning it for myself. And I, like David in the book of Chronicles, thought, “Who am I Lord?”
“Who am I, O LORD God:” – 1 Chronicles 17:16b
Who Am I
I had been a nobody my entire life; fading into the background of family, friends, school, church… Even as loud and as obnoxious as I am, I felt as if I was no more than an annoyance to the people around me. But then God came into my heart and I was somebody. I felt as if I had purpose for the first time in my life.
I’ve told the story several times before of standing with my hairbrush microphone as a child, but I wasn’t singing like most kids, I was talking. I had something to say. That was a dream I had, but had no concept of it ever coming to fruition. So when I began to speak, and I witnessed that dream come to pass, I felt David’s words in my soul “Who am I Lord, that the God of the universe would use me to speak for Him?”
I have no grand illusion that I am of the caliber of David, but in that same scope I also understand what a big deal it is that God speaks to me just as He did David. And to you for that matter! I’m not God’s favorite, although sometimes He makes me feel like it.
David’s worship and prayer had came on the heels of God telling him “No,” to building the tabernacle. He tells David that the tabernacle will come through the earthly kingdom of his son, and it does when Solomon built the most magnificent of houses for the Lord. David doesn’t pout and ask God why, but rather praises and worships Him for allowing himself to be a part of the purpose.
Are you a part of the purpose? Is God using you, whether now, or through what your building to build His kingdom?
When I thought of speaking as a little girl, speaking for God wasn’t on my mind. I speak of the current trend or random thought that I had. Something goofy that had nothing to do with anything of a spiritual sort. I also had a desire to sing, but God never allowed me to utter a public solo note until I was ready to be used in His service. And I knew it. I knew that God had set me aside and although I could sing the Eagle’s hit song “You can’t hide your Lyin’ eyes” and people would go on as to how they enjoyed it, it didn’t mean anything compared to standing before God’s people and worshiping Him with them. It wasn’t about me. I also knew (before anyone thinks it) that I wasn’t the greatest singer in the world. But that didn’t matter either. I was somebody in the Kingdom of God. And so are you.
O LORD, for thy servants sake, and according to thine own heart, hast thou done all this greatness in making known all these great things. O LORD, there is none like thee, neither is there any God beside thee, according to all that we have heard with our ears. – I Chronicles 17:19-20
You are God
It makes me want to puke when I hear anyone reference any other ‘god’ besides the one true God. Because I know that if He would speak to a nobody like me at the age of 9, He has no doubt spoken to every heart on this planet, and they know. They may deny Him, but they know. He gave them the same opportunity He gave me, but for what ever reason the allowed the demonic side of this earth to win out in their minds.
There are people who would read that and be so offended that I dare say they’re controlled by a demonic force, but it doesn’t take the truth away. If you’re not God’s then you are theirs.
1 John 2:22 KJV
Who is a liar but he that denieth that Jesus is the Christ? He is antichrist, that denieth the Father and the Son.
I belonged to that demonic force before 1996. That is why, like King David I’m amazed that God pulled me out of it and used me. Because even now I’m unworthy, but I’m covered by the blood of Jesus Christ. Even now, there are sins in my life but they’re forgiven. All sins, past, present and future. They are not justified. I am justified through Christ. God doesn’t see my sin, He sees His Son. In that I stand amazed.
Three in One
A concept that is almost, if not entirely impossible to understand pre-salvation is the Trinity of God. But through the Spirit, it not only becomes understood, it becomes experienced.
When I pray to God in Heaven, I feel Him.
When I read His Word I feel Him.
When I worship Him in word or song, I feel Him.
God is meant to be experienced and the more we experience Him, the more deeper connection we have with the Trinity. You know He’s watching you, you know when you hold the Bible in your hand it is Him through His word, and His Spirit will absolutely make your heart go pitter patter when the Spirit wants to show out!
1 John 5:7-15 KJV
For there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one. And there are three that bear witness in earth, the Spirit, and the water, and the blood: and these three agree in one. [9] If we receive the witness of men, the witness of God is greater: for this is the witness of God which he hath testified of his Son. [10] He that believeth on the Son of God hath the witness in himself: he that believeth not God hath made him a liar; because he believeth not the record that God gave of his Son. [11] And this is the record, that God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. [12] He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life. [13] These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God. [14] And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: [15] And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.
For 26 years, I’ve served God in countless capacities. Speaker, writer, singer, youth ministry, nursing home ministry, women’s ministry, evangelist… There were times I felt as if I was being sidelined and my heart broke… I’ve been there for a few years now. But through the faithfulness and encouragement of friends and ministry affiliates such Dewey Moede, who I have served with for 11 years, I’ve stayed put, knowing that the promises God gave that nine year old girl, he would never renege. I may be old… but I still have dreams. Dewey is 67, and he still has dreams. My friend and ministry goal, Doyle Ballengee, died at the age of 80, as excited as a new convert, it never got old for him. Lord, let it be so for me.
Who am I? I am Yours, Lord.
